You learn real fast which friends are for real and which ones aren’t. I think this is why I don’t have any “real” friends anymore. I have a lot of acquaintances or people that see themselves as being my friends but I wouldn’t trust them with anything, that’s for sure. There are days every now and again though where I did wish I had more “real” friends. My husband is definitely my friend but he’s my husband, can’t tell him everything. Then you have one other person who I would say is just under my husband in the closeness and trust factor but their own burden is often so heavy that I can’t add the weight of mine. Oh well.

Some days I feel like I’m running up a down escalator. Of course…doing such a thing probably wouldn’t be all that intelligent but that’s how it feels anyway.

Sometimes it occurs to me to wish that life were simpler but then it wouldn’t be my life, would it? The only simpler time I have is back when I was four or five, after I hit seven that shit just rolled downhill like a motherfucking avalanche bent on eating as many skiers as possible. I know a lot of retards like to harp on bad childhoods but I got no beef with my childhood or anything my parents did. I’d just say that my life has been complex since I was seven and it’s never stopped being that way.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh I’m not Atlas let me tell you. People can take their drama to some other doorstep I’m not going to weight of the world their shit that’s for damn sure. I got so much shit on my plate some days that I could invite people over and have a buffet. Oh well, to use one of the currently most over used phrases in the American lexicon, It Is What It Is.

So here’s a tip of that hat to all you motherfuckers out there that think you’ve got sooo many problems. Write me about them and we’ll see if you want to trade. Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Wish me luck!!!

Ralph Dingess

Dear Ralph,

Dad,

It’s taken me a while but I think I’ve got it figured out where I want to go with this. I miss you. You have to know that and that’s the most obvious thing. Some days I sit there and we’ll all be running together-hail hail the gang’s all here- except we aren’t. Hours will press by and it will be on the tip of my tongue, “where’s Ralph?” or “has anyone heard from Ralph?” It’s not that I’ve forgotten, just that your not being there is such a foreign concept to me. I haven’t said it yet but I sure have come close.

My goodness but Bonnie’s been so strong. I knew she was a good strong hearted woman but I don’t know how she’s kept it all together so long. When I think of the two of you it’s in a water to soil, oxygen to fire, heat to fuel, kind of way. How can two things that exist so perfect together-which in some cases cannot exist without one another- get by? I’m not there to offer a hand or hug or shoulder to cry on but I’m with her in spirit which is the best I can do. Kenny’s still down at the house to the best of my knowledge so I’m sure that helps in its way.

I talk to Johnny and you can hear the void. Sometime’s I’m not sure if it’s real or imagined. He loves you so much but I’m sure you know that. I know he’s trying to keep an eye on Bonnie too. You and him really were like some kind of twins weren’t ya?

A long time ago you and I talked about death. We talked about what the important thing was in life, the purpose. What is it we’re after and how do we know we’ve done good. By the end of the conversation I was surprised to find that you agreed with me at all, much less as much as you did. I told you it was all about the lives we touch and how sometimes we just never know how much or what kind of a real impact we’ve made. I told you then that it was my belief that you’d touched a great many lives in wonderful ways, and had more impact than you could imagine. I knew it to be true then and I know it to be true now. The amazing opening of arms and shadows crawling from the woodwork to pay respects I believe took even those that knew you by surprise. I told you old man, you did good.

No one was ready for you to go. I know you know that but I have to say it anyway. Maybe I’m being selfish in saying it. It’s a sin I can accept. The question though is would we ever have been? I think you know the answer. I also think you saw the train coming and made an executive decision and no one can fault you for that. Oh how selfish are we those that want you here so badly, for a joke, a smile, a kind word, humor that was unfailing, a hug, reassurance, so many things. So selfish so selfish we are but we can all acknowledge it. In truth, we also or most of us anyway, realize that your pain is at an end. The struggles you were having for so long, physical and not have finally been relieved. Somewhere, the man we loved takes a nice deep breath and all he feels is the cool wash of air in his lungs. No more aches, no creaky chest, no more migraines, and sudden incredible tiredness.

Bonnie and I talked for a moment regarding what happens when someone passes. I think I surprised her a little when I said that if there was anyone out there who was in Heaven it was you. I may not subscribe to all that you guys do- when it comes to what comes next, but I’m not in a position to say that you’re wrong either. If there is one thing I do not doubt it’s that if there is a Heaven you’re there. Maybe you’re there and looking down on us, laughing at us and with us- maybe at Kenny for having the attention span of a gnat, or Kevin for his crazy ways with girls, Brett’s newest “I’m cool” pose, Johnny’s latest funny story from work, Eddie’s and Billy’s latest bout of bustin’ on each other,  Bonnie’s latest culinary accident, or a hundred other things.

We know you’re here with us in little ways every day but it doesn’t make us miss you any less. I wish I’d known you longer. I wish I’d of lived closer because I’m sure those late night philosophical discussions would have been grand, because then I could help everyone – if even just to extend my arms and give a hug. In my heart you will always be a father figure to me and held just as close. Thank you, for impacting my life, and for letting me into yours.

Always,

Me

For Ralph, Rest in Peace 9/25/09